Remember how I said I was afraid of bugs? Today I came face to face with one of my biggest conceivable fears. Years ago my cousin told me about the time she was driving her car and along came a spider crawling across her windshield. She too is scared of insects, and she nearly crashed her car at the mere sight and proximity of the arachnid. I know it is irrational to react like that, but I feared this scenario because I had no clue how I would handle myself while operating a vehicle, although I was way too young to drive when I heard this story. As you all know, I am now a driving man, and earlier I found myself in a similar situation.
After running errands for my upcoming 5th annual family cookout (barbecue if you’re confused), I hopped back the whip (my mom’s Honda Pilot) and drove off. I was so ready to be back home so I could make myself a quick smoothie before I indulged in enough Skinny Pop to offend a Monsanto cornfield.
(Here’s the smoothie I made yesterday. I swear it tastes better than it looks.)
They say it’s healthier to eat fruits and fibrous veggies first, for digestion and shit like that. As I pulled out of the shopping center parking lot, I caught a peripheral glimpse of tiny terror; there was a spider on my sun visor (aka my personal vanity).
Although the spider was small, my nervous system went into immediate and dangerous overdrive. Since I was literally driving, I planned to pull over as soon as I could, as I did not want this spider descending down onto my forehead or my lap or any other part of my body while I was operating the vehicle. Of course if I pulled over, I’d either have to wait for the creature to crawl out or physically remove it from the premises, neither of which I had time for (Skinny Pop, remember?). After being forced to endure this discomfort for a few seconds, I got the vibe that the spider was just as stricken. She was still and so was I. I decided to keep driving.
After being retrograde since February, Saturn has finally resumed direct motion in Scorpio. Where Saturn goes our caution follows, and when Saturn is in Scorpio, the darkest of our fears are confronted in an intensely psychological way. Saturn’s nearly 5 month-long backtrack saw us re-examining our power structures. We were forced to get real about wasting resources, using more discipline, and harnessing the mutually transformative, creative potential of synergy.
It was necessary to internally inspect the vulnerable soft spots underneath the hard, calloused exterior, because no matter how stable it appears on the outside, it is impossible to build a legacy on an insecure foundation. Our weaknesses are like tools, and depending how we use them, they can either be destructive or divine. Retrograde Saturn in Scorpio prompted us to probe the root of our issues in the most practical way in order to transmute repressed fears into success stories. Now we can move forward by applying our profound maturity, realizing our desires, and transcending our limitations.
I don’t know why I was so frightened of spiders. Maybe it was their agility or their stealth or their cunning, although those are all traits that I admire. Mostly likely it’s because I saw those same traits in myself, and when they were reflected back at me, I felt out of control. I felt powerless. One of the lessons I am learning is to stop projecting my insecurity onto others, thereby reclaiming my power and initiating the process of healing. I am proud of myself for opening my heart to an unexpected, uninvited rideshare, and we both made it home in one piece after 20 minutes of yielding to each other in silent, existential reverence. When conquering our fears, sometimes we must start small to build big, and I must say we are off to a great start.