A field of fragrant flowers is unforgiven by me at the offensive sight of a tiny fruit fly. A single stray note slaughters the sonic sweetness of the most sophisticated symphony. A night of noteworthy novelty means nothing if even one nuance goes neglected.
Sometimes I let the smallest things get under my skin.
Earlier in the week, I let something someone said get to me. My mom is an employee of NJ Transit, so I occasionally ride the bus to work for free, like this past Sunday. As I was catching up with the bus operator, a family friend, the topic of school came up as it usually does. When asking about my younger sister’s senior year of high school and impending undergraduate adventure, she expressed her strong suggestion for my sister to attend a state school to avoid making “the same mistake” I made. The same mistake.
One man’s mistake is another man’s destiny. The difference depends on one’s capacity to create solutions from perceived problems. It’s no secret that I’ve put myself in some situations that were more difficult than necessary, but I don’t believe them to be “mistakes”, because I am still here and I am still learning lessons. Everything happens for a reason as far as I am concerned, and as long as it is happening to me, I’m the only one who has the right to determine whether or not it is a mistake – whatever it is.
I could’ve easily been grateful for the fact that I saved a morning’s worth of bus fare, especially since I seriously doubt she intentionally offended me, but my feelings were hurt. Honestly speaking, my irritation was exacerbated by the fact that she subsequently asked about my post-graduation plans, which only bothered me because my answer (and her unimpressed reaction) made it painfully apparent that I never had a solid plan in the first place. As much as I was annoyed at the question (as I always am), I had no choice but to be annoyed at myself and my lack of direction, which made me feel so much worse.
This wasn’t the first time I have been put on the spot or questioned or judged about my decision to study theatre. Of course there were the people who considered such a career choice to be impractical – that’s to be expected and I got used to it quickly. Aside from them, I had to deal with the people, sometimes even my peers, who questioned my love for the theatre, as it seemed to them that I lacked motivation and overall hunger. Truth is, they were right.
While most of the students in my acting classes were home refining their instruments and out in the city seeing shows, I was smoking weed with my friends or watching Netflix. Not to say I did nothing, but I would be lying to you all and myself to say that I was as dedicated as most of the other artists I knew. Although I was enraptured by New York City in my freshmen year, I definitely did not take advantage of the abundance opportunities, especially concerning my schoolwork. Still, it is hard for me, even to this day, to admit to myself that maybe a professional acting career is not meant for me – at least not at this moment in time.
To get real about the relationship I have with my major would open the door for a score of implications. My decision to enroll at an expensive, out-of-state private school would probably be considered even more of a “mistake”, which is frightening for me on a deep level. Not only would this revelation be a reflection my educational efforts on which my family and I expended a lot of energy, but of my personality, putting me in a very vulnerable position. Makes me reevaluate the basis of my decisions, which are starting to seem rooted more in ego gratification than genuine enjoyment.
Despite my distress, I find comfort in knowing that I am not the only one who feels this way. I know this because I see my same struggle spelled out in the stars. Saturn [karma] is conjunct the North Node [destiny] in Scorpio [legacies], and many of us are sobering up to the fact that we have serious work to do to realize our potential. What we give out is what we get back as evidenced by the taskmaster Saturn, so if we are not seeing the desired results, it is obvious that the foundations we’ve constructed are not built to stand the test of time. The North Node of the moon is indicative our of purpose in this lifetime, the qualities we should strive toward for fulfillment, and under this Saturn conjunction, we are being forced to focus on the solidity of the structures on which we depend to build enduring empires.
Soon enough, Venus [also in Scorpio] will join Saturn and the North Node in a three-way conjunction. With Venus in the mix, our value systems and interactions with other people can clue us into possible obstacles that are hindering or restricting us. It is not secret that we put our energy into what we love the most, so chasing a career or even a relationship that doesn’t resonate of with spirit is simply a waste of time. Success is as simple concentrating on what is pleasurable, as opposed to what we want to believe is pleasurable.
We are able to apply the pressure of practicality to our beliefs to determine if they are based in reality thanks to Neptune in Pisces [idealism], which is forming a sextile [a harmonious aspect] to this conjunction. Dreamy Neptune [as well as Pisces, the sign it rules] rules illusion as well as delusion, but its current relationship to Saturn will help keep our heads out of the clouds, and our feet firmly planted on the ground, as we take responsibility for and striving toward the development [North Node] of our talents [Venus]. As we strip away all unnecessary frivolity, we may feel exposed, but this is the only way we will ever get in touch with who we really are underneath the fantasies and facades.
There will always be missteps, but they are just as valuable to our journeys, if not more, as anything else. I embrace all that I have been through, because it has made me who I am, the only one I will ever be. Although it can be depressing, facing the cold, hard truth is an essential to the process of maturation. There is no growth without pain, which is strangely relieving. A part of us is dying, but as long we have faith in rebirth, we will experience healing in the most intense, transformative way.