let’s trip: sagittarius full moon/friday the 13th [#StarsAndSymbols]

Friends are good for a great variety of benefits. Many of mine inspire me to be better, bolder, and to grow (it’s in my astrology). In fact, the more I am inspired, the more likely we are to experience a relationship of longevity, as opposed to the brief encounters I have notched in bedposts past. I am often inspired to travel beyond the limitations that normally keep me confined, whether these limits are mental, emotional, spiritual, or physical. As I write this I am in the process of packing (does thinking about packing count as packing?) for my second vacation this year.

I booked my ticket at the last-minute. Part of me thought it would be best not to go, considering I was just got back from New Orleans this past May. I have a full-time position at a high-end retail store in a casino. My friend invited me right when we got back home from our last trip, but “it wouldn’t be responsible for me to go.” That’s what I thought. But alas, something inside me loves to go places I’ve never been, and it’s damn near impossible to restrain. “Fuck it,” I said without opening my mouth as I clicked to confirm my flight. “If liberation is my intention, then I have to be free to roam.”

Freedom

I depart on the afternoon of Friday, the 13th of 2014, just hours after the astronomically exact the full moon in Sagittarius. A former coworker and fellow occultist informed me that this is the last Friday the 13th full moon until 2049, and in her words, “Vegas will be fuuuun that nite.” I believe her. As if full moons weren’t already notorious enough, the superstition of Friday the 13th adds an extra dose of Anything Can Happen.

As always, full moons happen once every 30 or so days [month = moon cycle] when the moon opposes the sun in the sky, each one in the same degree of opposite signs. This full moon is in Sagittarius, opposite the sun in Gemini. Oppositions are considered difficult aspects in astrology. They represent potential separation, confrontation, and challenge. Under the opposition of the full moon, it’s like we’re in an intense game of tug of war, being pulled back and forth by two equally strong competitors. In order to express ourselves as individuals [sun] we risk our emotional security [moon], as these two planets are as far away from each other as possible, while us earthlings are in the middle, trying our best to not to go insane [lunatic = luna = moon].

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how to say ouch: mercury/chiron [#StarsAndSymbols]

i’ve been locking my hair for a little over a year now, and despite what some may think, such a style can require some heavy maintenance for the past however many hours, i’ve endured the arduous process of getting my hair done, which for me consists of re-twisting what hair people refer to as new growth. growing up in the era of lil’ bow wow inspired boy cornrows, i dread the moment i sit and submit to the torture, as i am what they call “tender-headed.” in other words, my sensitive head hurts a little too easily.

“does any of this hurt?” asked my mom, aka my part-time hair stylist, as the hair in her hand pulled on the perimeter of my scalp.

“yes,” i replied with false placidity, like a professional pain-taker.

“well, i wouldn’t know, you ain’t say nothin!” she admitted. “you gotta let people know when you’re in pain.”

such a simple conversation struck me like a lightning bolt. for whatever reason i have learned how to grin and bear it, thinking this as some sort of strength when it’s more like denial. aside from situations beyond our control, we allow everything that is inflicted upon us when we give silent permission, so it is our responsibility to vocalize the discomfort we feel at any given moment.

ouch.preview

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an acceptance speech [#ScrambledArt]

i could always just accept it, but…
light reflected on fragments is blindingly revealing
especially to someone so used to concealing
the same main thing that’s in need of some healing
stealing the courage to be

to live a simple life
down to earth
placid

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it’s so hard to feel settled
when i’m sitting on a balloon that’s been dipped in 
metal and coated in acid
attracted to the highest altitude in the blackest kettle of a void
floating away in a far off place

to live feels like a disgrace
but i’ll be complacent if you give me what i need
the space to breathe
the time to grieve
and one last private retreat into the secret smut shop in the back alley of my amygdala
as it secretes a million neurotoxins that are surprisingly simple to spell
please don’t tell

pamela the possum & the bugs [#swami]

As much as I like to think I have aligned myself with the world outside my window, I still go into panic mode sometimes when I am forced to go outside. It’s like I revert back to my 6-year-old self, when I was petrified of wildlife and all its unpredictability. Although I love the summertime, my love can quickly turn to fear upon the arrival of The Bugs. Being the only male in my home for the majority of my life has left me with no choice but to carry out the “boy chores”, like taking out the trash or retrieving random rarities from the shed, all of which put me face to face with my insectual enemies.

I know, I know… Insects are not the enemy. They are ecologically necessary, sure, but I cannot deny my irrational anxiety toward them. I don’t want to be scared of The Bugs, but it’s a process that I am taking one step at a time. On the bright side, I don’t kill them like I used to, even when one of them decides to join me in bed for a late night Netflix party. I may bolt out of bed in a blind, primal rage, but kill them I do not.

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As if The Bugs weren’t enough, there is now a dead possum in our backyard (let’s call her Pamela, for the sake of alliteration). Apparently, Pamela thought the rain-filled flower-pot outside was a swimming pool, and she dove in it like Kendrick Lamar. Unfortunately, she did not know how to swim and is now floating face down, covered in maggots. Maybe she did it on purpose. Can animals be suicidal? Regardless, I will not be burying Pamela the Possum, no matter how much of a “boy chore” that may be. Sorry Mom!

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the value of touch: taurus [astroloco]

My dear friend Asha once told me that we (humans) should be touched at least 5 times a day. I probably laughed. I didn’t (probably) laugh because it was funny. This concept was foreign to me is all. She is a Taurus, my polar opposite. No wonder.

Scorpio feels, but Taurus touches. If you are confused, believe me when I tell you; there is a difference. The difference is in the element of sensitivity. Both signs are sensitive, but that sensitivity is expressed in opposite ways. Scorpio is emotionally sensitive [feelings]. Taurus is physically sensitive [touch]. This is not to say The Scorpion doesn’t do a fair amount of touching. After all Scorpio has a reputation for being the sexpot of the Zodiac. I believe, however, as a Scorpio, that I live in the world of the unseen. The untouchable. The intangible. The mystery.

Shining a light on your shadow can solve even the most riddling mysteries. With Mars [action], Venus [interaction] and the Sun [conscious expression] in Taurus, I am being confronted by the opposition of my shadow. I am embracing it, though.

So far this Taurus Season, I have challenged myself to indulge in my sensuality. One of the perks of being a full time spa attendant is constant access to professional massage therapists and estheticians. This week alone, I have treated myself to 2 massages (my first and second massages ever). They were so different, so I can’t compare them, but they were both beautiful experiences.

Every so often I would catch myself clenching or holding tension (especially in my glutes/legs) when I felt their hands upon my skin. It was totally unconscious, but after a while I would notice and release. This even happens outside of massages sometimes. I figure this reaction to touch is much more than skin deep. It has to be rooted in some type of fear, some type of childhood trauma that was never integrated. Maybe I’m reaching, but what else could it be? When did I cut myself off from being able to experience physical pleasure? When did I discount the value of touch?

Regardless, I feel better already. These massages have opened this Scorpio up to the wonderful world of the five senses. Skin to skin contact is important in such a fundamental way, as well as other forms of sensual pleasure. Just as I am tempted to indulge in fear, I am equally allowed to feel love and live in love. That is one of my Full Moon in Scorpio realizations, if not THE realization.

I am balancing. I am transcending. I am alive.

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Now, I just have to figure out how to be touched at least 5 times a day without getting arrested. This will be a test of my creativity. I am an art major (and a Scorpio sexpot), so this is a challenge I gladly accept.

LOL

witch hazel [freewrite]

Nobody should be talked at, barked at, or attacked with words. Ripped to shreds by verbs like razors, while nouns like blades slice straight through the skin. Lacerations heal only to be broken again, with no trace of witch hazel to mend the way it stings. Wound open ended like a hand with no ring. Like sentences without periods the damage is serious.

I am not broken, but I am bent out of shape.
Abused with the spells that you cast in my space.
Although there are traits you’d prefer I replace, all I can be is myself.

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So why all the hate?

guilt [freewrite]

One thing that bothers me is being blamed for something I didn’t do.

When I was in pre-school, I was wrongfully accused of saying “kiss my butt” on the school bus ride home. I did say the word “butt”, but never told (nor asked) anyone to kiss it. That would have been completely out of character for me. The bus driver’s aid misheard my juvenile conversation, and took it upon herself to tell on me.

I was beat with a belt by my relative with whom we lived at the time. It wasn’t a bad beating, and she was just disciplining me as far as she knew. The point was and is I never said “kiss my butt.” I was punished for a crime I never committed. Made to feel guilty when I was innocent. Worst of all, nobody believed me or defended me when I told them my truth. I think sometimes I underestimate the long-term effect this incident had on me as a being, especially since I was only a child. How might I find myself reenacting this moment, even to this day?

Although my family and I will occasionally laugh about it and I’m pretty sure I got some type of half-assed “sorry”, I still feel like I never received a serious apology. I can laugh about it, but there is definitely a part of me that is still angry. I don’t know what could resolve these feelings. Maybe venting about this memory will serve as an elixir.

When people make big deals out of situations that I perceive as relatively unimportant, I have to remember that we all have “kiss my butt” stories. In Astrology, I believe childhood trauma is represented by Chiron, the wounded healer. The pain experienced as a result of Chiron gives us to ability to help others experiencing similar pain, even if we can’t seem to help ourselves.

If you were wondering what I actually said on the school bus, I was simply explaining to my seatmate that “boo-boo does not mean butt.” O, childhood.

off the deep end: pisces season [astroloco]

Happy Pisces Season! Hope everything’s going swimmingly!

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There are six planets in Pisces [sun, mercury, venus, mars, neptune, and chiron] for the next couple weeks. Wherever these planets fall in your chart is where you have been experiencing a concentration of Piscean energy or activity. This is called a STELLIUM in astrology.

The Pisces Stellium falls in my 3rd House of communication. The 3rd House rules elementary learning, intellectual curiosity, social contacts, siblings, neighbors, local trips, media, technology, messages (phone, text, e-mail), just to name a few. It’s a busy house with lots of brief little moments of mental stimulation. Negatively, this energy is scattered and restless. Pisces in the 3rd House mystifies communications, so that our perceptions are dreamier than usual, flavored with fantastical feelings. What we think we see could actually be an illusion. Makes you wonder what is real and what is not.

Tired of swimming in circles in shallow water? The moon has just joined Saturn in Scorpio for a weekend spell, so don’t be afraid to go off the deep end. Take a big breath. Submerge.