go there, but don’t stay: 8/3/14 [#MyBestWeek]

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one of the most gut-wrenching feelings is to desire something or someone so fervently only to have it be snatched away in plain sight. there is little we can do to overcome that anguish, so our only choice is to live with it, to feel it completely. cry if need be. it is important for us to go there, but it would be a mistake to stay. self-destruction and downward spirals are the results of festering sentiment that has found no outlet or expression. if we have it, we have to do something with it, or else it will do something to us.

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the roots & the tree: capricorn full moon [#StarsAndSymbols]

one of the great things about roots is how they provide the tree with the support necessary to uphold its composure as it climbs great heights. if there is no foundation, there is no growth. that said, the fullest way for the tree to honor its roots is to challenge itself to reach higher than it ever has. after all, isn’t that the purpose of planting seeds in the first place?

with the sun in cancer, we are focused on the acknowledgment of the deepest, most familiar facets of our personhood. to nourish and protect the life force within is the instinct that keeps each species going from generation to generation. It may not always make rational sense, but thanks to intuition and the assortment of other gifts stored away in our ancestral goodie bags, we know what we have to do at any given moment to preserve this fragile existence. to sustain our lineage is encoded in our dna.

before we get too comfortable, we must remember that no matter how well acclimatized we are, every season presents its challenges. without the occasional obstacle, the experience of life would be too subjective to sustain the dynamism of authentic expression in all its completeness. that is where the full moon in capricorn, which opposes the cancer sun, comes into play. we are feeling the subconscious call to endeavor toward the practical attainment of worldly accomplishment. our survival skills mean little if we do not at some point assume responsibility for the successful advancement of the family name beyond the home and into the stratosphere of society. the tangible achievements we need to satisfy this obscure hunger are the products of structure, goals, and concentrated motivation.

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destiny’s obscurity: moon/north node conjunct [#StarsAndSymbols]

Women have played a major role in my life. Not just one woman, but women… plural. My parents weren’t together when I was born so my mother raised me as a single parent, and for the greater duration of the first decade of my life we lived with various relatives. My most impressionable years were molded by the women who surrounded me, older women to be more specific. It was like a community of mothers, each one with something unique to offer my childhood self. There were men around, uncles and whatnot, but interactions with male figures were never as affirming for me as the matriarchal exchanges.

Naturally, my interests aligned with what most people categorize as “girl stuff” when I was growing up. I loved Destiny’s Child and Disney films like The Little Mermaid. The majority of my friends were girls, especially the ones closest to me. I was a boy, and I had guy friends, but I was never one of the boys. As I made my way through primary school, I faced my fair share of judgment from people who didn’t understand or agree with the way I expressed myself in accordance with my gender, and there were times where I judged myself for not being manly enough. At this point in my life, I still have to make a conscious effort to silence the voice of gender policeman that I allowed to invade my headspace, but everyday I learn to embrace my femininity more than before. Despite whoever has disagreed with my lifestyle, I know now that there is nothing wrong with the way I am, and I believe that my childhood conditioning was meant to prepare me for greatness. Allow me to explain myself…

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There is an aspect in my natal chart that clues me into the grand scheme of who I am in regards to my resonance with the feminine influence. I have a moon/north node conjunction! The conjunction is an astrological aspect that is equivalent to a union and it occurs when two celestial bodies and/or astronomical points come together as one amplified, integrated force. In other words, two separate energies blend and work as one. So what exactly does a conjunction between the moon and the imply that could possibly explain my lifelong interest in the alluring, creative, nurturing essence of opposite sex?

******* FUN FACT: the moon and the north node are currently conjunct in libra as I type… how appropriate! *******

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like a prayer: gemini new moon [#StarsAndSymbols]

the most stimulating conversations are the ones that do not require an open mouth. an open heart is all that is needed to send and receive messages. it happens with the people we love, our best friends, those closest to us, and even strangers sometimes. we talk without saying a word, and more importantly, we listen to that which arises out of silence. this is a sign of divine communication.

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4/6/14: fight in the fog [#MyBestWeek]

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it gets hard to see when straddling the line between the conscious and unconscious. our eyes take a while to adjust when they have just been dreaming, so it may seem as though we’re out of focus. neptune is said to represent clairvoyance, but if we are not spiritually inclined then the physical vision may be slightly unclear. confusion is a symptom of impaired eyesight and this haziness can be frustrating for those of us who are trying to see what lies ahead. even though we’re not in bed, it still feels incredibly unreal.

indistinction leaves us with a lot of options. at any given interval, life as we know it could go either way, which means that we must be quick-witted enough to know when to switch it up. things are changing at the drop of a dime and versatility is the only way not to get left behind. gemini is the sign of duality, so we must learn to be flexible because anything could happen. the twins are in a constant state of excitement as there is always new stimulation to be experienced, but they can just as well scatter themselves thanks to their short attention spans. if there is an absolute answer, it will take every bit of concentration.

to exacerbate matters, commitment is not in the immediate equation. we are too equal-minded to grow attached to one interest, so our diverse associations spread us thin. the 11th house is indicative of our hopes and wishes for the future in all their varied plurality. being connected to the current of an electrical outlet is bound to bring us some of the most shocking revelations from the highest source of power, but it takes great effort to sustain the singularity of such lucid insights.

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my best week: 3/23/14 [#StarsAndSymbols]

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there is a lot of work to be done this week before we can consider ourselves accomplished. to make life a little easier, saturn says we concentrate on what matters most. ambition is excellent but it takes disciplined organization to materialize greatness. we are not bound to dedicating our time to that which is not worthy.

it is our job to be orderly and the first step is to identify priority number 1. we all have goals, but which is the most urgent and why? this certainty will help us to channel the force of our being constructively. aries is action, but it is in our best interest this week to plot our steps strategically rather than rashly acting on impulse instead of staying on task.

a balanced approach makes everything seem a lot less tedious. instead of trying unsuccessfully to swallow a whole sandwich on our 30 minute lunch break, let’s take small bites and chew steadily so that the flavor is savored with time enough to make it back to that oh-so-important office meeting! while there may be a lot to do in the 7th House, it is never to be done all at once nor all alone (why not share half of the sandwich with a hungry coworker?). a little here, a little there, and our mission will be accomplished without the unnecessary exhaustion.

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my best week: 2/2/14 [#StarsAndSymbols]

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“aphrodite lady seashell bikini, garden panty… VENUS!” the sensual Goddess of Love is setting the mood. the focus is an equal balance of “me” and “you”, considering venus represents the feminine principle of accommodation. the give and the take, the attraction and the repulsion, the have and the have not; all venusian. meeting someone halfway in some sort of rendezvous is highly likely. i also pulled the 7th house, which is associated with venus, so there is no doubt that the exchange of partnership is paramount.

spiritual is pisces, the next card pulled. all things unseen, the things of our dreams and nightmares and illusions, are all piscean. the fish represent the universal oneness that connects us all like an invisible network of heartstrings. impressionable and compassionate, pisces heals other people by absorbing their negativity. selflessness, while obviously admirable, can overwhelm, and sometimes all we want to do is get away. try as we might, it is not easy to escape this sphere of existence (beware of indulgence in addictive substances!) and the burden of the outside energy we may feel obliged to assume. like a lifejacket for the sinking, it may feel like we’re struggling just below the surface, trying desperately to stay afloat.

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taurus full moon: magick, manifest [#StarsAndSymbols]

“What do you want to be when you grow up?” asked the hostess (Kate? Katie?) at Amada, Atlantic City’s very own Spanish tapas restaurant, located in the Revel. I was on getting change for $100 for my manager at my new job before we closed and she was the first face I saw in a sea of slot machines. The plan was to eat here for my birthday back in October, but I was ensconced in the icy inertia of a black hole, the abyss of which I am finally crawling my way out.

“I want to be everything,” I replied, excited to be on the receiving end of such a question.

Tomorrow will make a week since I started my second job at Hugo Boss, also located in the Revel. I reduced my hours at The Spa to accommodate my new full-time schedule, but I plan to balance both. For the first time since high school I am waking up before 9 AM nearly every day to work opening shifts at one job (and subsequently enduring the duration of the day to close at the other), which I never thought would happen. My life as I know it is totally shifting, forcing me to let go of ALL that has been slowing me down. Getting used to my new lifestyle is quite a rush, filling me with a sense of exhilaration that I have not felt since I left New York. As I adjust I frequently find myself in a dream-like state where almost anything is possible. [Maybe it’s my restless Mars in Gemini, but…] I am actually happy to be doubly employed.

Both jobs are at completely different ends of the spectrum. One is geared toward dressing people up with expensive suits and other high-end fashions to look good on the outside, whereas the other focuses on the inner healing power of the therapeutic arts. I work with all guys who only sell menswear at one job, as opposed to the other where I work with all females at the front desk in order to maintain the soft, tranquil ambiance of a massage & facial spa. Don’t even get me started on how I am subjected to chair-withdrawal when I leave the seated pleasure of job #1 to go stand all day at job #2.  The only similarity that comes to mind is that they are both sales-driven. Of course the more I sell, the more I get to help people (albeit in vastly dichotomous ways), and the more money I generate for the business and for myself.

This time last year I worked a week straight for the first time thanks(?) to Hurricane Sandy which left my coworkers stranded in Staten Island, not to mention the convenience of living in the same high-rise building as my work-study job. I was also blessed with a decent refund check that enabled me to do some overdue shopping and lasted me the rest of the semester. Simply put, it seems almost too easy to materialize my desires when working with the energy during this time of year, like magick manifest. If you have the urge to complicate things, don’t. Let it be. If it feels real, it is.

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The Full Moon in Taurus seems to reveal all the different ways we can accumulate or even attract valuable resources, whether they are our own or other people’s. Remember, full moons are always in opposition to the sun, and the sun is now in the mysteriously magnetic sign of Scorpio, ruler of all passions secret and unseen. Whatever prize we covet during Scorpio Season, especially if you have an abundance of Scorpionic energy in your natal chart like I do, seem to materialize with surprising ease. It’s like all the slow & steady work we’ve been doing for the past six months [since the sun was in Taurus] has snuck up on us to give us a pat on the back, a gourmet snack, and the realization of our creative potential. What makes it even better is that the rewards we are reaping are very well-deserved, the result of sharing our talents and bringing out the best in other people. The illumination of this Full Moon makes it clear for us to see what we’re really worth. Continue reading

north node/saturn/venus conjunct [#StarsAndSymbols]

A field of fragrant flowers is unforgiven by me at the offensive sight of a tiny fruit fly. A single stray note slaughters the sonic sweetness of the most sophisticated symphony. A night of noteworthy novelty means nothing if even one nuance goes neglected.

Sometimes I let the smallest things get under my skin.

Earlier in the week, I let something someone said get to me. My mom is an employee of NJ Transit, so I occasionally ride the bus to work for free, like this past Sunday. As I was catching up with the bus operator, a family friend, the topic of school came up as it usually does. When asking about my younger sister’s senior year of high school and impending undergraduate adventure, she expressed her strong suggestion for my sister to attend a state school to avoid making “the same mistake” I made. The same mistake.

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One man’s mistake is another man’s destiny. The difference depends on one’s capacity to create solutions from perceived problems. It’s no secret that I’ve put myself in some situations that were more difficult than necessary, but I don’t believe them to be “mistakes”, because I am still here and I am still learning lessons. Everything happens for a reason as far as I am concerned, and as long as it is happening to me, I’m the only one who has the right to determine whether or not it is a mistake – whatever it is.

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recurring dream: missing class [#freewrite]

i talked a little bit about dreams in a previous post. since then, they haven’t been as consistently memorable, but every now and then i will have one that sticks out. then there are the recurring dreams that i have. there is one i’ve been having for almost a year now.

it’s not at all a nightmare, but the dream is for some reason haunting. it always takes place at least halfway through some imaginary semester at college. somewhere in the midst of my day, i realize that there is one class that i keep missing. i don’t know what class this specifically, but i have missed it enough times to fail. although i try to act like i’m not worried, i always have the worst a pit in my stomach, ashamed that i could be so irresponsible with my education (especially one for which i am paying). there is no doubt that i am incredibly clueless in this class, but i tell myself that i’ll catch up and i’ll pass.

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another variation of the dream involves me forgetting the lines to a play while i’m on stage. i started having this dream last fall, when i was in the rehearsal process for a show I did called RUINED. it was even worse than the classroom dream, because i literally ruined the whole production for the cast, crew, and the audience, which is a performer’s worst nightmare.

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