an unstroked ego wreaks havoc all around town, tearing down long standing structures just to elicit a reaction, because any attention is gratifying. the rush it receives from creating oppressive spectacles is fleeting and only leaves it wanting more, as its insatiable life force is dependent upon the approval of the community and its constituents. what the ego fails to realize is that it is not entitled to the spotlight or any type of special treatment, so it may be rudely awakened as its self-interested efforts are thwarted. if the intention of the self does not beneficial the greater good or align with the divine purpose of the spirit, then it will never build. it will only destroy.
being a public example of the precision and efficiency of purposeful self-containment will satiate our karmic desire to progress toward the destiny of this current incarnation. there is something fulfilling about going back to basics and tending to the duties that require our devotion. conditions cannot be improved for anyone or anything unless they receive an adequate amount of tlc, and the survival of the species alone is incentive enough for us to swallow our pride and get to work. the goal is to enhance the community and society, but we must start on an individual level, with the inspiring enhancement of ourselves.
this is a follow-up or addendum of sorts to my previous My Best Week post, “the alchemist“…
in order to be thorough in the process of exposing self-sabotaging behavioral compulsions, it is valuable for one to explore them without shame, but instead with genuine, nonjudgmental curiosity. denial of these urges is not as effective ultimately as it would be to let them happen as they do. if we are strong enough to take an objective assessment after all is said and done, with a forgiving approach rather than one of condemnation, we can determine the pros and cons of our potentially destructive tendencies in an efficient way that will surely help to redirect that same energy to be used as fuel for our inherent creativity. Continue reading
there is a transformation that occurs when we express ourselves fearlessly in the moment. the responses that are elicited by living truthfully are testimonies to our inherent power, but only if we claim it as our own. self-engagement can be so enrapturing that it is startling to be confronted by the inevitable reaction of disagreement, as others try to solve our riddles, searching the depths for that thing within us that triggers their own feelings of uneasiness. in those moments it is important for us to recognize our own individual influences, as we are capable of affecting our environment, no matter how our respective presences are received by other people. if we choose to dim our lights and shy away from the awesomeness of authenticity in order to manipulate the external factors, our power is projected, giving it away for others to wield as they wish. when we risk our emotional comfort by embracing the sometimes controversial originality of this existence as it is embodied within us all, despite the adversity we may face from those suffering from their own psychologically projected traumas, then we begin to transcend the darkness with the dawn of limitless light.
the new moon is exact on June 26, 2014 at 4:08 AM EST in 5 degrees cancer, the mother of the zodiac. as always, the new moon is the beginning of a lunation [lunar cycle] prompted by the conjunction of the sun [ego expression] and moon [subconscious reaction], so it represents an initiation or a starting point. this is a chance to wipe the slate clean and start, and the quality of the start will relate to the realm of cancer [the experience of emotions]. when two planets come together in conjunction to unify as a single energy, the effect can be either volatile or harmonious, or both. it all depends on the other aspects.
Women have played a major role in my life. Not just one woman, but women… plural. My parents weren’t together when I was born so my mother raised me as a single parent, and for the greater duration of the first decade of my life we lived with various relatives. My most impressionable years were molded by the women who surrounded me, older women to be more specific. It was like a community of mothers, each one with something unique to offer my childhood self. There were men around, uncles and whatnot, but interactions with male figures were never as affirming for me as the matriarchal exchanges.
Naturally, my interests aligned with what most people categorize as “girl stuff” when I was growing up. I loved Destiny’s Child and Disney films like The Little Mermaid. The majority of my friends were girls, especially the ones closest to me. I was a boy, and I had guy friends, but I was never one of the boys. As I made my way through primary school, I faced my fair share of judgment from people who didn’t understand or agree with the way I expressed myself in accordance with my gender, and there were times where I judged myself for not being manly enough. At this point in my life, I still have to make a conscious effort to silence the voice of gender policeman that I allowed to invade my headspace, but everyday I learn to embrace my femininity more than before. Despite whoever has disagreed with my lifestyle, I know now that there is nothing wrong with the way I am, and I believe that my childhood conditioning was meant to prepare me for greatness. Allow me to explain myself…
There is an aspect in my natal chart that clues me into the grand scheme of who I am in regards to my resonance with the feminine influence. I have a moon/north node conjunction! The conjunction is an astrological aspect that is equivalent to a union and it occurs when two celestial bodies and/or astronomical points come together as one amplified, integrated force. In other words, two separate energies blend and work as one. So what exactly does a conjunction between the moon and the imply that could possibly explain my lifelong interest in the alluring, creative, nurturing essence of opposite sex?
******* FUN FACT: the moon and the north node are currently conjunct in libra as I type… how appropriate! *******
if it’s heavy, give it up. letting go is something we speak of quite often, especially when the south node is called into question, but what exactly are we renouncing? i think it’s easy, especially for me, to dismiss the south node as a karmic black hole, and although it can be, it exists for a reason. the south node of the moon represents the impression that has been left on our soul by past lives. the stuff that comes easy to us, the thing that is so second nature it gives us a stomach ache – that is the south node. when working with this energy, we must be consciously careful not to use it as an excuse to avoid rising to the occasion of a comfort zone crossing challenge. only when we embrace the uncharted territory of the north node – aka the reason we are here in this lifetime as opposed to the last one – will we have the awareness to distinguish the south node’s trash from its treasure, and everything else will start to make sense.
good thing scorpio has the penetrating intuition and unflinching emotional depth necessary to come to such an elusive conclusion. when emotionally invested, scorpio is able to detect and seduce latent potential from its dormant state of slumber, transmuting dark matter into the light of consciousness. it can be mutually profitable for this sign to invest its energy in handling other people’s resources if only scorpio allows itself to forgive injuries, real and perceived. the negative expression of the scorpion is enfolded by hurt, pain, trauma, betrayal, resentment, jealousy, and revenge, so when crossed, this sign will withdraw its resources and withhold valuably vital insights. no matter how intimidating the stinger can be, it is rooted in defensive insecurity and a sometimes overzealous survival instinct, and accepting that will initiative evolution through healing. using our keen psychological comprehension constructively to identify instances in which our own self-destructive tendencies hold us back from uncovering hidden gifts is a definite way to determine what needs to be discarded in order to transcend the turmoil of our lower selves.
the heights of the 10th house suggest we are indeed moving on up. capricorn, the sign of cautious ambition, is associated with this house, so it is no question we are going places as long as we are disciplined and dedicated. capricorn is limitation, meaning it works best within some sort of boundaries, so the 10th house might need the focus of a little restriction to operate at its fullest capacity. unfortunately, in trying to live within its means, capricorn is sometimes stifled by the fear of failure and any other unpredictable outcome. we all have goals, especially in the context of career, but we must first rid ourselves of unsupportive rigidity and irreverent pessimism. the more we realize the power that is and has always been an essential part of who we are, the less we will engage in controlled exchanges and calculated manipulations. there is no need to allow paranoia and doubt to compromise the integrity of our collective character, no matter how unfamiliar the path may be in the pursuit of our passions.
at what point does what we own begin to own us? how does a possession simply adopt the audacity to possess its owner? all that is not presently appreciated has the ability to depreciate our sense of self-esteem…
we have all we need and them some, so it is surely a sin to let anything go to waste. to embrace what is in our grasp or to give it away is the decision we must make, lest we be greedy and succumb to the insecurity of the hoarder. that which we believe to be held sometimes has a hold on us. naturally, when we are too scared to take out the trash, the smell of garbage will fill the air. why should we be afraid to let go when we have always had all that is required?
this what i have been feeling since venus has been retrograde. as you already know, venus [the goddess of love] clues us into our relations with other people, the give and the take (or lack thereof?), how we share our stuff (physical and non-physical). all of this, of course, is determined by what we hold close to our hearts, our values. venus is what we enjoy, what is pleasurable, what is entertaining, what we attract based on what we have to offer. when venus appears to be moving backward in her retrograde is when we are consumed by circumstances that call for us to (metaphorically and/or literally) clean out our closets.
“What do you want to be when you grow up?” asked the hostess (Kate? Katie?) at Amada, Atlantic City’s very own Spanish tapas restaurant, located in the Revel. I was on getting change for $100 for my manager at my new job before we closed and she was the first face I saw in a sea of slot machines. The plan was to eat here for my birthday back in October, but I was ensconced in the icy inertia of a black hole, the abyss of which I am finally crawling my way out.
“I want to be everything,” I replied, excited to be on the receiving end of such a question.
Tomorrow will make a week since I started my second job at Hugo Boss, also located in the Revel. I reduced my hours at The Spa to accommodate my new full-time schedule, but I plan to balance both. For the first time since high school I am waking up before 9 AM nearly every day to work opening shifts at one job (and subsequently enduring the duration of the day to close at the other), which I never thought would happen. My life as I know it is totally shifting, forcing me to let go of ALL that has been slowing me down. Getting used to my new lifestyle is quite a rush, filling me with a sense of exhilaration that I have not felt since I left New York. As I adjust I frequently find myself in a dream-like state where almost anything is possible. [Maybe it’s my restless Mars in Gemini, but…] I am actually happy to be doubly employed.
Both jobs are at completely different ends of the spectrum. One is geared toward dressing people up with expensive suits and other high-end fashions to look good on the outside, whereas the other focuses on the inner healing power of the therapeutic arts. I work with all guys who only sell menswear at one job, as opposed to the other where I work with all females at the front desk in order to maintain the soft, tranquil ambiance of a massage & facial spa. Don’t even get me started on how I am subjected to chair-withdrawal when I leave the seated pleasure of job #1 to go stand all day at job #2. The only similarity that comes to mind is that they are both sales-driven. Of course the more I sell, the more I get to help people (albeit in vastly dichotomous ways), and the more money I generate for the business and for myself.
This time last year I worked a week straight for the first time thanks(?) to Hurricane Sandy which left my coworkers stranded in Staten Island, not to mention the convenience of living in the same high-rise building as my work-study job. I was also blessed with a decent refund check that enabled me to do some overdue shopping and lasted me the rest of the semester. Simply put, it seems almost too easy to materialize my desires when working with the energy during this time of year, like magick manifest. If you have the urge to complicate things, don’t. Let it be. If it feels real, it is.
The Full Moon in Taurus seems to reveal all the different ways we can accumulate or even attract valuable resources, whether they are our own or other people’s. Remember, full moons are always in opposition to the sun, and the sun is now in the mysteriously magnetic sign of Scorpio, ruler of all passions secret and unseen. Whatever prize we covet during Scorpio Season, especially if you have an abundance of Scorpionic energy in your natal chart like I do, seem to materialize with surprising ease. It’s like all the slow & steady work we’ve been doing for the past six months [since the sun was in Taurus] has snuck up on us to give us a pat on the back, a gourmet snack, and the realization of our creative potential. What makes it even better is that the rewards we are reaping are very well-deserved, the result of sharing our talents and bringing out the best in other people. The illumination of this Full Moon makes it clear for us to see what we’re really worth. Continue reading
“i need…” (isn’t that just the worst, most pathetic one?)
that was one of my terse philoso-tweets last week and i still standby the sentiment. a big revelation for me has been the use of language by not only the people in my most immediate sphere of existence, but in a larger societal context as well. long story short, i feel like most of us have no real conception of the words we speak.
it’s like there is a disconnect between what we mean and what we are actually saying, which completely alters our inner being. what type of assessment are we making about the quality of our lives when we iterate such obliviously abject phrases and adopt them as mantra? i know that it’s hard to break certain habits, especially those that are speech-related, as some of us do not even possess the tools to help us recognize and identify the self-perpetuation of our own depleted states. when one says “i need…”, does one really need or is one exaggerating an irreverent inaccuracy?
maybe it’s not a question of language, or maybe it is, but maybe there’s another, more intimate way we could approach this. as an astrology enthusiast, i know that when it comes to neediness, one mustn’t look any further than the darkest shadow of the moon. dependent on the moon’s placement and relationship to other planets in the natal chart, the condition of necessity versus autonomy in an individual’s genetic makeup is variable.
tonight the moon is in aquarius, my moon sign, which heralds the dawn of my monthly lunar return. the sun is in scorpio, my sun sign, building up to that oh-so familiar square [difficult aspect] to the water-bearing moon, and thus i am thrown right back in the middle of the boxing ring i was born into. under the sun/moon square, our emotional nature based on our subconscious idea of personal security is brought to light whether or not we are willing, enabling us see clearly our own inner conflicts. this is the perfect weather to “know thyself” and for me to reflect honestly on my needs (or lack thereof if my inner aquarius has any sway in this conversation). Continue reading
A field of fragrant flowers is unforgiven by me at the offensive sight of a tiny fruit fly. A single stray note slaughters the sonic sweetness of the most sophisticated symphony. A night of noteworthy novelty means nothing if even one nuance goes neglected.
Sometimes I let the smallest things get under my skin.
Earlier in the week, I let something someone said get to me. My mom is an employee of NJ Transit, so I occasionally ride the bus to work for free, like this past Sunday. As I was catching up with the bus operator, a family friend, the topic of school came up as it usually does. When asking about my younger sister’s senior year of high school and impending undergraduate adventure, she expressed her strong suggestion for my sister to attend a state school to avoid making “the same mistake” I made. The same mistake.
One man’s mistake is another man’s destiny. The difference depends on one’s capacity to create solutions from perceived problems. It’s no secret that I’ve put myself in some situations that were more difficult than necessary, but I don’t believe them to be “mistakes”, because I am still here and I am still learning lessons. Everything happens for a reason as far as I am concerned, and as long as it is happening to me, I’m the only one who has the right to determine whether or not it is a mistake – whatever it is.