the part-time porn star: mars in gemini [astroloco]

Have you ever seen someone you know in a porno? I’m not talking about a leaked nude or an amateur, homemade video clip on xtube. I’m talking about a legit porn film, with a script and a storyline and everything. I was minding my own business last night, surfing the forbidden netherworld of the internets, when all sudden I saw a familiar face with a voice that I knew very well. Talk about a curveball!

At first I thought I was trippin. This man on my screen had to be some sort of doppelgänger. He couldn’t possibly be the man I thought he was, seeing as how that man was super professional and too well put together to dabble in something as decadent and lewd as pornography. These, of course, were surface judgments, as I never get to know him that well. He was one of the staff members at my internship and I hardly ever engaged with him. For discretion’s sake I won’t say where I interned in this post (although I have mentioned it previously in another post), but it was a major association for playwrights in New York City with a lot of big name members and councilmen. After some meticulous research, I found out that this “actor” was indeed the man I thought he was.

I was so intrigued by this revelation because I worked in the same vicinity as this guy for a whole semester and never even knew. Naturally, I began to imagine every possible scenario of his double life. Did everyone else there know he was a porn star, and if so, what did they say when they found out? Did he think I knew he was a porn star, and if so, did that excite him? If I did know he was a porn star, would I have been more open to talking to him? Truthfully, I wasn’t very social with anyone at my internship. I felt out of my element because they were all more passionate about theatre than I was. Plus they were all older and mostly of European descent, so there wasn’t much of an immediate common ground. I stayed to myself because I thought of them as elitists of some sort and I never want to say or do the wrong thing. Little did I know my desk was 3 feet away from the office of a closet freak.

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learning the same thing twice: full moon/lunar eclipse in sagittarius [astroloco]

One thing that college taught me is that everyone has their own way of learning, on their own time. My process was very different than my classmates. I discovered that no matter how much I was programmed within the constraints of the classroom, I actually had to experience these lessons for myself in real life. Even if I failed an exam or BS’d my way through an entire course, it was not the end of the world, because I knew for a fact that I would get it when I was supposed to get it. For many years I would bust my ass to make the grade, until I finally decided to detach myself from the stiflingly rigid expectations of the American school system. Time, especially linear, is no longer a factor in my education.

Space is also an education non-factor for me. A classroom is anywhere in which we are conscious enough to teach and be taught. Wisdom is not exclusive to mountaintops and Mongolian monasteries. Wanderlust long distance journeys are great, but who says we have to run to the other end of earth to find what we are seeking? Sometimes the most meaningful moments are the stimulating conversations we have with the strangers we meet down the street at the market.

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For the past couple weeks, I have been driving an hour away to the nearest Whole Foods. I love the occasional day trip, but – between gas money and actually buying a week or two’s worth of groceries –  this was way too expensive to become a routine. Yesterday was my day off, and I decided to see what the regular grocery stores in my area had to offer. To my surprise, I found a lot of my favorite brands right in my local ShopRite. The selection, of course, is not extensive as the healthier grocery chains, but it is there for those of us who are looking to align our eating habits with the higher consciousness of the new paradigm. It’s a process, but it is happening.

All of our studies are coming to light under this Full Moon/Lunar Eclipse in Sagittarius. The lessons we have learned, regardless of when and where, have everything to do with who we are and what we believe to be true. I am thankful for all of my experiences, because they are the adventures that have helped me discover myself, even when I felt lost.

Once upon a time, I was supposed to graduate yesterday. Although I didn’t step across the stage at Lincoln Center with the rest of the Class of ’13, I too survived this semester. My phantom leg has finally been severed after 3 months of limping, and I made it through the operation. Instead of trying to walk the way I used to, I am embracing my new gait, because there is no point in learning the same thing twice.

“what was ruined” by rob jenkins [documentary]

Before I began this blog, I was blessed to be cast in a very special production. Although our production is over, the story we told is a story that STILL needs to be heard. Fortunately, my friend made a documentary out of it. Please watch…

What Was RUINED? by Rob Jenkins

What was Ruined?-The documentary based on the play Ruined by Lynn Nottage. Both the play and this documentary discuss rape, war and the conditions of the Democratic Republic of the Congo. 

Ruined was performed at Marymount Manhattan College in the fall semester of 2012. This documentary was filmed during the preparation of the play.

The film contains clips from documentaries such as ‘Women on the Frontline- Democratic Republic of Congo” , “Crisis in the Congo: Uncovering the Truth” and “The Greatest Silence:Rape in the Congo”. It also contains footage of the play as well as actor interviews.

taking the first step: mars in aries [astroloco]

Being back home, I tend to forget how much walking I did when I lived in New York. I would walk at least 20 blocks on most days, to and from school, if not more. I don’t like to spend money if I don’t have to (food is a different story), especially with the ever-increasing MTA fare. I don’t typically exercise or “work out”, so walking is a form of physical activity that doesn’t feel like a task. I don’t mind it at all. Except on those days when I would be running late to class, walking fast and splinting my shins.

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I must consciously, consistently remind myself that I can still live actively when outside of the big city, even in Suburbia. I must not let myself be swallowed by my circumstances and setbacks. I must continue to push myself and focus on realizing the vision that is my life.

Mars in Aries gives us the strength, courage, and will power to conquer every challenge we encounter. We assert our personalities and defend our desires, with steadfast urgency. The goal is being true to who we are, as sovereign, original individuals. When other signs deliberate, Aries initiates, especially when traveling with the great warrior Mars.

No matter how long the road may look, there is great power in taking the first step. Speaking of steps, I have begun taking midday walks. It is a good way to maintain the pace I grew accustomed to in the city, not to mention a healthy habit. It seems easier to get out on bed in the morning when there is some sort of routine to anticipate daily.

For right now, I walk around the same development I grew up in. Walking these cul-de-sacs takes me right back to being 8 years old and all the moments I have shared with my family and my neighbors. One day, I will walk farther. I am starting small. One step at time. Like a newborn baby.

Home is where you are from, but not always where you belong. All I know is we will not be there forever. We are international. Universal, even.

concrete of my mouth [poetry]

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Give me a little memory
To take into my teeth
Grind it up like a wheel
Against the concrete
Of my mouth

Let it float
From the bottom of a sunken ship
To the surface of a serenely tense horizon blue
Refracting light or something scientifical
Almost too outlandish to be true

Beyond recognition
Darker than the shine of the distant star
Cast in the rapturous debris of linear time
The ignition of a flashback triggers an episode
Way past eroded, blasted by cognition

saturn in scorpio: bad breakup [#StarsAndSymbols]

We never really anticipate a breakup when we enter into a relationship. If we did, it wouldn’t make sense to even initiate the relationship in the first place. Despite our high hopes and expectations, these things don’t always go as planned. When I started my first semester of college three and half years ago, I definitely didn’t plan for it to end up this way.

Three and a half years ago, Saturn went into Libra. This transit forced us to slow down and structure our so-called relationships. We learned the discipline of partnership, how to give and receive with other people.  Now that Saturn is in Scorpio, the honeymoon is over. Now the focus is on commitment, intimacy, and shared resources. If the relationships we developed when Saturn was in Libra were not built on a solid foundation, Saturn in Scorpio will make this painfully clear to us, as we will not be able to fake it any longer. The deep, dark truths of our bonds will surface and we will be forced to make a major choice; move forward or divorce.

My school and I are taking somewhat of an extended break right. If our relationship were on Facebook, it would be very, very “complicated.” I was just kicked out of my dorm (one semester shy of my graduation) because my family wasn’t able to pay last semester’s balance. Times are hard, but I guess that doesn’t matter (even if I have attended the same college for nearly four years and paid all six previous semesters). At the end of the day, this “educational institution” is a business, first and foremost. And to think I thought we had something special…

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I never thought my first big breakup would be with my college, but what can you do? As much as I want to sing “We are never, ever, ever getting back together”, I have one semester left until Destination: Graduation, and it would only make sense to go back in the near future and get my degree out of the way. Until then, I’m excited to expand my horizons and explore my options. This will be my first time not being in school for almost twenty years, and I will make the most of it.